After yet another hurtful fight with your Beloved, don’t you wonder, “Are we supposed to be together? How can something so right, go so wrong?”
Your SoulMate isn’t going to be perfect. They’re not supposed to be! But, they will be a perfect fit for where you are in your Soul’s journey
Isn’t your SoulMate supposed to feel like home and make you comfortable and happy?
Along with all the wonderful times you share, sometimes your Beloved inadvertently triggers old wounds that have not healed. It’s not intentional. When you let someone into your inner circle, they will eventually meet all your inner demons. You might not even know that you have these wounds until they are triggered. That’s what intimacy does to every one of us. That is why we are so afraid of it!
Let’s look at where these over-reactions come from and why your SoulMate isn’t supposed to be perfect. Then I’ll give you 3 steps for managing yourself a little better when it happens.
It’s Not Them. It’s YOU!
- Do you regularly fly off the handle with your beloved?
- Are there specific things your partner says or does that sends you into a panic?
- Are your emotions are at odds with your rational, conscious brain?
- Does this reaction remind you of anything or any other time in your life?
It is unnerving to freak out over something simple your Beloved says or does. Is this person deliberately trying to get you going or upset you? Do they enjoy seeing you angry and upset? Did they wake up in the morning and say to themselves. “How can I make my partner miserable today?” Probably not.
Why aren’t they in tune with your every feeling and desire? That’s not supposed to happen. Or is it?
Here’s the bad news. It’s not them. It’s YOU. Actually, it’s what happened to you earlier in life that you buried. It’s old emotional wounds getting triggered.
Being triggered by your Beloved is inevitable. It will happen! It is both the bane and boon of intimate relationships. You could take it two ways. It’s the sign that you are with the wrong person.
It is an opportunity to heal and grow. You get to choose. SoulMates always choose growth and healing, even if the relationship ends.
Why can’t you control your emotions — even with your SoulMate ?
You’ve been highjacked by your emotional brain and your rational brain just went off-line. Huh? There is a fight-flight or freeze gizmo in your brain—the amygdala—that catches subtle cues from other people and attaches meaning to it, rendering your reasoning capabilities useless…for the moment.
Maybe an example will help.
Let’s say when you were a little kid, you got caught doing something wrong. Your parent would get a certain look on their face or that “tone” in their voice — or worse, they hit you. You know the look, the one that makes you want to duck and run. On an emotional level every aspect of this scene registered in your amygdala causing you to imprinted a negative belief or emotional reaction to that facial expression or verbal tone. It registers everything about that moment and takes it to mean you’re in t-r-o-u-b-l-e or that your physical safety is threatened!
So let’s say today, you and your Beloved are discussing something, when all of a sudden you spot “the look” or hear “the tone.” You go into emotional overload, as if you were five years old and you got caught giving your sister a wedgie or supergluing your brother’s hands together. Thanks to your amygdala, you lash out because you feel threatened: you think you did something wrong and you have to defend yourself. Whoosh! It happens so fast!
Here are three steps to better manage your emotional reactions:
Step 1: Don’t Believe Everything You Think
It’s possible to mistake an emotional reaction for a fact—after all, you feel it so powerfully. It must be true! The truth is you are reacting to old stuff. It’s a conditioned response to a sense of threat that goes all the way back to your childhood. When this happens, your thinking mind goes off-line for a bit. Don’t worry–everybody feels this way from time to time and in different degrees.
The way to dislodge that kind of response is to deal DIRECTLY with the past, NOT the person you are with. When you over-react, it is ALWAYS about the past.
To remove that Hot Button once and for all, do some EFT tapping. Done right, EFT resolves the issue at it’s root, so it will never bother you again.
Step 2: Tapping Calms a Racing Heart
When we feel threatened, our heart races and muscles tense up. We start to perspire. Our breathing speeds up in anticipation of needing to fight or flee. We automatically look for the nearest escape route or turn and attack them. That is the way we are wired for survival.
EFT knocks out the Fight or Flight response in minutes. When you calm down, then you can resume negotiations with you Beloved.
Step 3: Give Yourself Time Out to Tap
If you and your Beloved are having a conversation and you feel yourself getting heated up, it’s okay to give yourself a time out. Tell them, “I would like to continue this in a half hour.” Then, take a break to tap.
By the way, it’s a good idea to tell them you WILL be back, lest you trigger their abandonment issues. That way they won’t follow you all over the house asking, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” or worse….”What’s the matter with YOU?”
I can’t say this enough: do some EFT tapping to quiet yourself down. Then you can question what you assumed or took their words and actions to mean. And when you go back, you are ready to find a win/win solution.
With enough tapping, you can manage or eliminate your over-reactions as they happen.
Getting triggered in intimate relationships is part and parcel of the SoulMate journey. You know you are with a SoulMate because they understand, support and assist you in healing…and you do the same for them! A SoulMate wants to grow with you. Therefore, neither of you have to be perfect…just works in progress.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a master manifestor and innerpreneur, who used Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to transform her life and those of her clients. Personally, she lost 70 pounds, manifested an unexpected $70,000, wrote her first book in 6 months, her second book in 6 weeks and her third book in 6 days, cured herself of plantar fasciitis and earned a Brown Belt in Shotokan Karate at the age of 57.
After 25+ years as a couple’s counselor in private practice, she turned her attention from trying to resurrect broken marriages to helping spiritually minded singles manifest their SoulMates. As the author of How to Manifest Your SoulMate with EFT: Relationship as a Spiritual Path, she teaches people how to quickly remove hidden barriers to love. Then, she stands back to watch the magic happen!