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Why Your Perfect SoulMate ISN’T Supposed to be Perfect

After yet another hurtful fight with your Beloved, don’t you wonder, “Are we supposed to be together? How can something so right, go so wrong?”

Your SoulMate isn’t going to be perfect. They’re not supposed to be! But, they will be a perfect fit for where you are in your Soul’s journey

Wait! What??  

Isn’t your SoulMate supposed to feel like home and make you comfortable and happy?

No.

Along with all the wonderful times you share, sometimes your Beloved inadvertently triggers old wounds that have not healed. It’s not intentional. When you let someone into your inner circle, they will eventually meet all your inner demons. You might not even know that you have these wounds until they are triggered.  That’s what intimacy does to every one of us. That is why we are so afraid of it!

Let’s look at where these over-reactions come from and why your SoulMate isn’t supposed to be perfect.  Then I’ll give you 3 steps for managing yourself a little better when it happens.

It’s Not Them. It’s YOU!

  • Do you regularly fly off the handle with your beloved?
  • Are there specific things your partner says or does that sends you into a panic?
  • Are your emotions are at odds with your rational, conscious brain?
  • Does this reaction remind you of anything or any other time in your life?

It is unnerving to freak out over something simple your Beloved says or does. Is this person deliberately trying to get you going or upset you? Do they enjoy seeing you angry and upset? Did they wake up in the morning and say to themselves. “How can I make my partner miserable today?” Probably not.

Why aren’t they in tune with your every feeling and desire? That’s not supposed to happen. Or is it?

Here’s the bad news.  It’s not them. It’s YOU. Actually, it’s what happened to you earlier in life that you buried. It’s old emotional wounds getting triggered.

Being triggered by your Beloved is inevitable. It will happen! It is both the bane and boon of intimate relationships. You could take it two ways.  It’s the sign that you are with the wrong person.

OR

It is an opportunity to heal and grow. You get to choose. SoulMates always choose growth and healing, even if the relationship ends.

Why can’t you control your emotions — even with your SoulMate ?

You’ve been highjacked by your emotional brain and your rational brain just went off-line. Huh? There is a fight-flight or freeze gizmo in your brain—the amygdala—that catches subtle cues from other people and attaches meaning to it, rendering your reasoning capabilities useless…for the moment.

Maybe an example will help.

Let’s say when you were a little kid, you got caught doing something wrong. Your parent would get a certain look on their face or that “tone” in their voice — or worse, they hit you. You know the look, the one that makes you want to duck and run. On an emotional level every aspect of this scene registered in your amygdala causing you to imprinted a negative belief or emotional reaction to that facial expression or verbal tone. It registers everything about that moment and takes it to mean you’re in t-r-o-u-b-l-e or that your physical safety is threatened!

So let’s say today, you and your Beloved are discussing something, when all of a sudden you spot “the look” or hear “the tone.” You go into emotional overload, as if you were five years old and you got caught giving your sister a wedgie or supergluing your brother’s hands together. Thanks to your amygdala, you lash out because you feel threatened: you think you did something wrong and you have to defend yourself. Whoosh! It happens so fast!

Here are three steps to better manage your emotional reactions:

Step 1: Don’t Believe Everything You Think

It’s possible to mistake an emotional reaction for a fact—after all, you feel it so powerfully. It must be true! The truth is you are reacting to old stuff. It’s a conditioned response to a sense of threat that goes all the way back to your childhood. When this happens, your thinking mind goes off-line for a bit. Don’t worry–everybody feels this way from time to time and in different degrees.

The way to dislodge that kind of response is to deal DIRECTLY with the past, NOT the person you are with. When you over-react, it is ALWAYS about the past.

To remove that Hot Button once and for all, do some EFT tapping. Done right, EFT resolves the issue at it’s root, so it will never bother you again.

Step 2: Tapping Calms a Racing Heart 

When we feel threatened, our heart races and muscles tense up. We start to perspire. Our breathing speeds up in anticipation of needing to fight or flee. We automatically look for the nearest escape route or turn and attack them. That is the way we are wired for survival.

EFT knocks out the Fight or Flight response in minutes. When you calm down, then you can resume negotiations with you Beloved.

Step 3: Give Yourself Time Out to Tap

If you and your Beloved are having a conversation and you feel yourself getting heated up, it’s okay to give yourself a time out. Tell them, “I would like to continue this in a half hour.” Then, take a break to tap.

By the way, it’s a good idea to tell them you WILL be back, lest you trigger their abandonment issues. That way they won’t follow you all over the house asking, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” or worse….”What’s the matter with YOU?”

EFT Tapping Points

EFT Tapping Points courtesy of Laurence Brockway

I can’t say this enough: do some EFT tapping to quiet yourself down. Then you can question what you assumed or took their words and actions to mean.  And when you go back, you are ready to find a win/win solution.

With enough tapping, you can manage or eliminate your over-reactions as they happen.

Getting triggered in intimate relationships is part and parcel of the SoulMate journey. You know you are with a SoulMate because they understand, support and assist you in healing…and you do the same for them!  A SoulMate wants to grow with you. Therefore, neither of you have to be perfectjust works in progress.

Namaste’

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.


Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a master manifestor and innerpreneur, who used Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to transform her life and those of her clients. Personally, she lost 70 pounds, manifested an unexpected $70,000, wrote her first book in 6 months, her second book in 6 weeks and her third book in 6 days, cured herself of plantar fasciitis and earned a Brown Belt in Shotokan Karate at the age of 57.

After 25+ years as a couple’s counselor in private practice, she turned her attention from trying to resurrect broken marriages to helping spiritually minded singles manifest their SoulMates. As the author of How to Manifest Your SoulMate with EFT: Relationship as a Spiritual Path, she teaches people how to quickly remove hidden barriers to love. Then, she stands back to watch the magic happen!


 

Comments

comments

14 Comments

  • Nancy Davis

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    Hi Annette
    This posts are so helpful to me on my personal journey. You write guides to happiness with tools to finding the right path. Thank you for the work you do.
    Nancy

  • Patricia Hessler

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    Annette,

    Thank you…this makes perfect sense…and EFT is the perfect tool to help. Definitely will pass this on to some of my friends.

  • Steve

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    I’ve been in this exact situation, most uncomfortable emotional feeling I’ve ever had. It triggered me to react in ways that I couldn’t believe and it scared me. While in time both my ability to understand and handle it, and her ability to give me distance when needed improved, my own sensitivities required that I had to establish stronger boundaries and put up walls to protect myself from the over stimulation it triggered. Unfortunately, my own self control also resulted in my starting to react to every look, sound, or physical movement on her part that I perceived could trigger a reaction. I agree this is a relationship that has helped me to begin healing and start to desensitize some of my triggers, albeit painfully, I can’t see why I would want to be with someone I can’t relax with.

  • Pat Tocco

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    I am sure my soulmate in this lifetime and I were together in some relationship in prior life times, we are part of the same soul family and because we know this we are continuing to learn the lessons that will help us achieve our purpose and evolve. I used EFT as part of my practices to find him and now keep him.

  • Theresa

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    Thank you for all the tools and support to keep my rational brain working in my relationship. I am married to an amazing man and am blessed in so many ways.
    Thanks.

  • Nancy

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    Wonderful post! I always thought a soulmate was anyone who came into your life and revealed aspects of yourself that needed healing. It’s so good to know my soulmate is the one who will be my life partner and hang tight while we grow together! I’m taping for him now! Thank you Annette.

  • Theresa

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    I used to think a soul mate was a perfect partner but now, at my older age, I know that they are here to help you grow and change into a better person… If you can accept the challenge to confront your blind spots. EFT is a great tool! Good article! :)

  • April Young

    Reply Reply December 12, 2015

    Very clearly expressed concepts, with helpful examples to support them. Thank you, Annette, for giving me another guidepost along my Life Journey.

  • Joanna

    Reply Reply December 13, 2015

    Annette,

    I’ve always had trouble with conflict in a relationship, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel — and it’s not another train! Your insights have made me change my thinking about what a soulmate relationship really looks like, and I have renewed hope that I will recognize it when it comes. Also, I know that EFT works to help resolve so many other life issues, but I never thought about using EFT for relationship issues until reading your blog post. Thanks for putting me on the right track!

  • Lucy Moorman

    Reply Reply December 13, 2015

    Anyone that you care about can certainly press your buttons. This article gives some good reminders for how to deal with it when it happens. Even though it’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment, EFT and time out are great methods.

  • Gail Gates

    Reply Reply December 13, 2015

    Thank you for the thoughtful article, Annette. Maybe it’s the milage on my odemeter, but I’ve come to accept that my husband is going to say or do things without meaning to upset me. Stuff from old relationships simmer juuuuuust beneath the surface like acne before the senior prom. When he gives me the “what did I say wrong now?” look, I know my reaction is based on something from the past and not the present. Fortunately we are very strong in the communication department and eventually get it talked out.

    Thanks for the reminder that perfect is not the same as perfect for me. I love the EFT diagrams and links you included. Great job, as usual!

  • Carol

    Reply Reply December 14, 2015

    Thanks Annette it seems like you’re reading my mind. You give me the answers I need and your helpful suggestions just amaze me!! Finally I get it!! Thank you so much.
    Carol

  • Jennette

    Reply Reply December 15, 2015

    Thanks Annette! I love how you’ve broken it down and explained how our biggest pains can become integral to our growth and development.

  • Barbara Pate

    Reply Reply December 15, 2015

    EFT is a wonderful crutch to help yourself gain control of your emotions. EFT has allowed me to explore new ideas to old problems. With EFT, you can be a good friend to yourself. A great skill to always have at your fingertips !

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